cruel life
i hate you life!
Just when i think i'm already happy and really close to achieving my dreams, there you are, slapping solitude on my face. Just when i think, i've already separated reality from the fake world that i wanted to live in, you knock on my door with someone i know will never be real. Oh gosh, I can't believe i'm cryin' again, stop.. Stop. I don't need these tears now, I'm at work, for crying out loud! I don't wanna gain sympathy or worse, pity from my co-workers. Ah, s%*+... Come to think of it. I am pathetic, my situation's pathetic, and me writing here about how i hate life is pathetic.
I dragged myself to studying this, believin' that if i did, fortune will come my way. That if i did, i will have my fantasy world realized in some degree. And now, after millions of times thinkin' and analyzing about how things will gonna go, it all boils down to the fact that i cannot have everything i want.
Gosh,sobrang pathetic na ko... I have to write in the vernacular to fully express myself.
Ok,i think i have to go down memory lane para ma-explain and ma-trace ko kung bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon. To start with, i really don't think it's fair na kainisan ko ang mundo. I have a supportive and loving family to go home to. I have fantastic friends to pour my thoughts and share my feelings with. Material things isn't a problem coz eventhough i don't have everything, naibibigay naman sa kin ang gusto ko... The necessities along with a few whims.
Ok,yun nga, i dragged myself on studying this coz if i did, i can get all the riches that i want. Ngayon,gusto kong magsisi. I have experience a lot of death, i've seen a lot of people dying but then, i still need to show this poker face as if nothing happened. You can't cry with them kahit na you'll gonna burst any moment. What's ironic is that you've given your hundred percent but still your hundred percent isn't enough to prevent the inevitable. Minsan nga, ang prayers ko na lang, e sa kin na lang ibigay ung mga sakit nila, at least i know, kaya ko. And what's really disgusting is that, you've put your heart and soul to your craft but then again it's not gonna be appreciated. On the second thought, if i've had my heart and soul on it, the issue of whether it has been appreciated or not isn't really an issue. Maybe hindi ko talaga sya na-appreciate?(what i'm doing right now,that's what i mean) Or maybe i haven't put my whole heart and soul on it. Pero every once in a while, na pi-feel ko ung fulfillment when i did the right thing. I don't know. It's really premature to say na maybe hindi ako para dito since i am considered as newbie pa. Siguro all these deaths are not enough para malaman ko if i've chosen the right path.
Another sentiment about life.
See? I don't even know how to start. It's about the knocking on my door with someone who's not real and will never get real. The question is, bakit laging ganito ang nangyayari sa kin? I've been like this since i was twelve or thirteen. And believe me, i don't really like it. I mean, wala namang masama sa pag admire, pero yung sa kin tumatagos hanggang kaluluwa ko. Funny, i haven't thought about it until now. After 10 years, ngayon ko lang na realize na nahihirapan na ko.(i need to wrap this up coz i've been writing for almost or rather,i've been writing for a week and i can't seem to put an end to this). Bakit ba ako pa of all people? Or rather,ang mas appropriate na tanong is bakit sila pa, million ang population ng Pilipinas (ok,minus the female gender, mga bata, and the oldies pero to sum it all, marami pa rin sila)? And now im at a lost of word. Got too many things to say i just dont know how to put it in writing. So, back to the matter at hand. I was twelve or thirteen when i first felt it. I dunno, call me weird or stupid or whatever you want to but i always seem to fall into deep admiration with someone i know i can't have. Buti nga sana kung yun lang.
When i woke up, parang i realized na this is it, wala na ang sumpa. Only to be shocked coz na freeze lang pala sya ng few minutes, and now, i am as insane as before.
My situation became worst now as it reaches it's peak. Pano ba naman, isampal daw ba sa face ko e almost perfect. Almost perfect coz the imperfection made him perfect.
Few days ago,i'm willing to say more regarding this matter. I changed my mind. So, i think this will be the end. I can't say more which makes this entry a bit hard to understand. Isa na lang masasabi ko, if this is a test that God has given me, i am accepting it with open arms, wishing that God will help me and guide me through this road that He want me to walk through.
<< an lá roimhe || agus ina dhiaidh sin >>
2008-04-12 @ 9:05 a.m..
Big mouth - 2008-07-15
and now i'm totally scared - 2008-04-16
... i fear.... - 2008-04-16
entry - 2008-04-12
another nonsense - 2008-04-12
